The holidays can be a pretty stressful time for any family. On top of work, getting the kids to school, extracurricular activities and grocery shopping, you have the holiday dinner to plan, the house to clean and decorate, the endless shopping lists and possibly preparing the guest room for the in-laws. For divorced or separated parents, or parents thinking about it, there is even more to juggle.
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For divorced parents or parents in the process of separating, we've searched for advice about putting your kids first during the holidays. For this, we turned to Mary Swann, Associate Director at the Kids First Center, for answers.
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Kids First is a non-profit organization which has been providing programs to support families of separation and divorce since 1998. (www.kidsfirstcenter.org)
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Divorcing or separating parents
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Many divorce and family attorneys report that, after the holidays, especially after Christmas, they tend to be very busy as new clients come in looking to separate from their partners. Would you say parents or couples are waiting until after the holidays on purpose? Is this the best way to handle this situation?
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I’d say yes, this is very common for parents to postpone upsetting the immediate and extended family until after the holidays for obvious reasons. It is so very, very difficult to have a conversation that you know is going to cause your family pain. Compounding that with ruining their holiday experience seems pointless to many couples. Of course, this charade makes holidays particularly difficult for the parents but it is often a sacrifice they feel they need to make for the sake of their children.
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Now, some would say that parents who choose to wait til after the holidays may actually confuse the kids. One week the whole family is celebrating, the next week the family is seated at the table and, in some cases, the kids are learning for the first time that their parents are divorcing. What advice would you give to parents on how to put their kids first when they do decide to handle it this way?
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You’re right, this strategy does sometimes backfire for parents. Every situation is so unique; parents really need to take several factors into consideration when deciding on the timing of the telling: do your children already suspect you are heading for separation/divorce? Have they asked you outright? How old/sophisticated are they? What are their temperaments like? Is it easy/difficult to hide things from them? Are they likely to be angry or grateful that you didn’t tell them before the holidays?
No one knows their kids better than their parents; what works in one household does not necessarily work in another, so there is no blanket advice on this one. Having said that, I will share that when kids find out about this too close to a holiday, either before or after, they tend to negatively associate the two events forever more. In other words, buffer as much as possible on either end! |
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Divorce is a very private and personal decision and it often takes a lot of time to get to that mental state where you are ready to go through with it. At what point should a parent let their kids know? When the papers are ready to be filed or should there be incremental steps to help prepare the kids emotionally?
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Again, this really depends on the age/temperament/sophistication of the child. General rule of thumb is to tell all of the children at the same time, and for both parents to be part of that conversation. Telling them the moment the decision is made is not advised; waiting until parents are really on the same page in terms of how to present the situation, and have worked out some of the big questions around when a move will take place, who will live where, etc. will make the telling go more smoothly.
Too much “limbo” before moving out is stressful for the kids, but so is not enough! Give them a month or so to prepare for the leaving if that is workable. And during that time, be open to any opportunity that arises for them to ask questions and work through their emotions; as parents know, car rides, bath and bed times are prime territory for kids’ thoughtful questions to pop up – be prepared to listen, acknowledge, and reassure them without minimizing their pain. If it feels appropriate down the road, let them know that there are support groups they could attend at Kids First where other kids their age are going through the same family changes. |
Divorced parents:
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Now lets assume the parents are already living apart and the holidays are coming up. This means that both parents are going to have to juggle schedules, pick-up and drop-off times, who has the kids on Christmas Eve and who has the kids on Christmas morning, etc. What is your advice on how a parent should go about dealing with the other parent?
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Hopefully by this stage in the holiday season, all of those schedules have been worked out. If not, a calendar needs to be shared immediately! The best piece of advice we give to parents is to plan well in advance for when and where the kids will be throughout the holiday season, and share that with the kids. Children crave these details in order to keep their anxiety at a minimum and their holiday excitement at a maximum!
Parents sometimes need to dig deep to find that holiday spirit when dealing with one another; they need to be flexible when possible, while honoring their commitments to the schedule that was agreed on. Also, now is not the time to wallow; if they find themselves alone on a holiday, it is their duty to reach out to other adults for support and make sure that their kids are enjoying themselves and not worrying about a lonely parent! |
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What if the other parent is being especially difficult?
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It happens, there is no denying it. Parents don’t always stick to agreements. One parent may be unreliable, or behave so badly that the other parent ends up making compromises that feel very unfair just to keep the peace. While this is not a sustainable formula, taking the high road by letting go of irritants at this time of year, and putting the kids needs for family harmony ahead of what is right or fair may just be what’s necessary sometimes. And it’s always a good reminder that a parent who is fighting for more time with the kids is better than a parent who is not showing up.
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How can a parent make what can be a stressful negotiation process less stressful both for them and the kids, and perhaps the other parent?
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Outside help. There is so much of it out there! Take a co-parenting education class at Kids First; call and ask us to recommend a mediator, counselor or co-parenting coach to see together or separately; come in and peruse our lending library; put your thoughts down on paper and get yourself organized. When a lawyer is needed, choose one with a reputation for putting the needs of children first!
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For both divorced and separating parents:
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Finally, we would like to close by asking what your general advice and tips are for both divorced parents and separating parents on how to make the holidays more about the kids and less about the divorce?
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More and more these days we are hearing of divorced or separated parents who are putting their differences aside for a day here or there and spending time together with the kids during the holidays. Family parties, special outings, gift opening – if there is any way to do this all together, do it. Often times this involves extended families, so expectations must be clear that everyone puts on their brave face for the sake of the children, no exceptions. Of course that is not possible for many families, so our best advice is really for parents to do their level best to put aside all hostilities, hurts or resentments as much as possible for this short period of time and spare the kids from overhearing any badmouthing or grumbling. Remember what it was like to be a child, and do everything possible to minimize their focus on what is missing this holiday season. Create new holiday traditions, and remember that positivity is contagious!
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We hope this helps you relieve some of the holiday stress. We wish you a happy holidays.
Please feel free to visit the Kids First Center website for more information or contact our office if you are in need of assistance. We would also like to thank Mary Swann for her wise and very helpful advice.
Please be reminded that the above statements were not intended or should be construed as legal advice. Please contact an attorney for legal advice.
Please feel free to visit the Kids First Center website for more information or contact our office if you are in need of assistance. We would also like to thank Mary Swann for her wise and very helpful advice.
Please be reminded that the above statements were not intended or should be construed as legal advice. Please contact an attorney for legal advice.
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